In my life to date I know I’ve been blessed with love and being loved – from the family I was born into, the friends that have surrounded me and with Dishwasher man and my Cups, (Alex, Nikki and George). 

The morning after Gary died I recall waking up, reality consuming me, and then coming down into my kitchen where my mum (like an angel) was already present. As I plopped myself down I said to her, ‘I don’t feel lonely, but I feel very alone!’. I’d like to say this feeling subsides as a widow but it doesn’t, (maybe it’s a reality for all individuals living with loss – I can  only resonate with my reality). 

As I’ve taken the tentative steps forward, backwards and sidewards in my journey of widowhood, the reality has been that in moments of pure delight holidaying (SE Asia, Spain, Europe) moments of family connections at parties, our caravan in Benone, Christmas or birthdays (don’t mention anniversaries), in moments of pure pride, exam results, rowing races, school achievements, in moments of the year, Friday afternoons, men’s clothing stores, holidays in general, panto shows, in moments of decision making, discos, tantrums and personal decisions about work and the kids – ‘I flounder’, but I’m not lonely! I know I’ve a network (the African village) surrounding me! (Thank you to you all).

I’ve never felt lonely in my life ever (I’m lucky – I’ve always enjoyed my own company and silence), this has undoubtedly been a ‘saving grace’ – but it’s also a nemesis – ( a good friend told me recently I was always a bit prickly and I’m far to independent to need any-one!).

Hence as I reflect and pursue my journey as a widow I have realised I do detest this inflicted aloneness – (it wasn’t our choice), I want to share the sunsets, the arguements, the Dishwashing duties with himself, but as I can’t I’ve resolved to be accepting of my aloneness – in doing so I must not wallow in self-pity, feelings of despair or anger – to do so would mean a life less lived!

I have to accept the reality, my Cups have been forced to accept the reality of a life without their dad physically with them (but I’ve told them they never have to say goodbye to dad like other kids as he’s always with them on their life journey). Life is precious, kids, our dear ‘Cups’ are precious – we are their guardians, their mentors their building block for the future – even if the design of the plan changes as their architect we have the opportunity to place a new ‘blue print’ in front of them – (whether they follow it is up to them!).

My blue-print for parenting has been redesigned but because Dishwasher man and myself had a fairly rebust connection in love and communication I’ve been able to more or less draw the plans for family life with his vision intact! 

I guess what I’m trying to say is – ‘be comfortable with being alone’ – ‘love and connect fully’, as The Prophet Kahil Gibran tells us about love – ‘be separate in your togetherness..’ xox