‘All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.’

As you Like It, Act 11, Scene VII – Shakespeare

I love Panto, I love Shakespeare – I love life – All three are funny, sad, gruesome, and tell a story in which there is love, hate, laughter, sorrow – but hopefully there is a ‘happy ever after’ all the pain! (But not always – because that’s life!).

In life there is a rhythm – the seasons come and go, the clock ticks its seconds and the year passes – my yearly rhythm has formed over time and part of it is my panto rehearsal and performance – it started for me age 12 – 18 then disappeared until my 40’s – little did I know how it was to support my life!

As a young quiet shy girl my mum and a teacher saw potential and cast me as Snow White – then many years later my reunion with panto came full circle with the Lakeland Players via my Cups!! (They joined then I got to act in panto by default)!

The year I joined the cast was the year our Dishwashing family life started its ‘crazy cycle’ – little did I know how the yearly rhythmic pattern of rehearsal and performance would support our family life, heal our hurt and strengthen our souls! Gary was insistent I never gave up on the panto stage, I protested adamantly that I couldn’t as the cancer cycle intensified (I stepped out of other drama connections) but he knew myself and the Cups needed to be together! I recall one Sunday (in his last months of life) travelling at bottle neck speed from the RV Hospital to reach panto rehearsal on time with the Cups and we were all crying; they were protesting they couldn’t do it and me agreeing internally but not verbally – I said to them ‘let’s do it for daddy – so he can come and see us on stage’, and we did it and it was the last time he saw us on stage (and the last night I had out with him at the Wrap party after the show!!)

What has panto life taught me? Resilience, it can be done and how fear can be conquered! Panto has become a family for my family – Gary said to me before he died – you will need panto when I’m gone Tracey! I didn’t think I would ever step onto a stage after Gary’s death – but his words and the belief of a certain director meant I did – despite all my inner turmoil – it’s reflective of my journey as a single Mum – I often don’t want or think I can do it – but I can and do !!

Gary knew me better than I knew myself – he was right – so what has happened since our new Dishwashing life commenced?? We continued to do panto – George Cup joined after Gary’s death and I got two wonderful years with all of us performing together on stage – (this year the girls left due to sport and study commitments!). Now it’s me and George but that reflects our family dynamics at present!

What has my journey been like since 2015 and my first panto in 2016 without the Dishwasher mans words of encouragement and belief in me??

I was reflecting the other day about my rehearsal and performance over the past three years of shows and I realised they have mirrored my grief – the very first year in blind faith and pure luck of improv and crazy energy I somehow managed to ‘pull off’ the role of Queen Rat (I’m surprised my director Stephen isn’t grey yet) – the second year I was totally unprepared for my role as the Fairy Godmother as my life was a crazy journey of deep grief and I was petrified on stage of letting the cast, crew and myself down – this year I’m prepared – I feel a lot more in control – I had time to learn lines, think about my character and I’ve enjoyed the rehearsal and performance process – that’s how I feel about life in general – I’m a wee bit more in control and the joy of life is seeping through again!!

Grief is a crazy, chaotic and eventually a conscious journey of healing!

What has worked for me is being kind to myself with tears, acknowledgement and time – how my panto family have helped can never be fully expressed –

It’s the little things – the males being role models for himself the Little Cup – the bond of family and familiarity – but for me it’s the fact that my panto friends never gave up on me – in their kindness to me they let me improvise, they believed I could and can do it and they trusted me – but most of all their kindness, support and hugs have helped with our Dishwashing healing and I can never convey in words how much they mean to me and the Cups!

Before each show I go off to my zone to have a wee chat with himself – he’s right there with me on stage xox