Today ‘my heart, my throat and my eyes’, had one of those moments when they joined in unison at the reality of the crossroads my life is at now…’my heart lurched, my throat caught itself and my eyes watered’…I had just dropped the eldest Cup Alex off for her interview at Edinburgh Uni…it’s her 4th interview in various UK cities…(the rest she attended independently with her friend)…she asked me to come to Edinburgh!

As she went to say ‘hi’ to two other students I turned and life just ‘stopped’..it was one of those moments when I really needed her daddy, our Dishwashing dad, my Gary..

…the reality of motherhood…and being a single mum on my own…really ‘hit me’…part of me was so very proud…and part of me so very sad that Gary is not physically sharing these moments with us, with me..(it was that feeling when I imagined what would be happening if he was here..we would have held hands, smiled and been proud!’)….that is what grief continually does to you as the years go by…it ‘plays out the script’ that you know cannot be written or lived..’

As l walked away from the Uni and the Cup part of me was so reminescient of times gone by… Edinburgh was one of ‘our first get away breaks as parents’.

I remembered leaving 3 kids with chicken pox with my mum and Gary and I loving the City and connection with each other!

I stopped at a bench and packed Alex’s rucksac into mine and thought of how I had carried her in my tummy, held her in my arms and gently pushed her in life..it’s the same rucksac I used as George’s baby bag…

We have travelled light for this quick visit, two little rucksacs and ourselves, and I guess that is all you need in life…’little baggage but a bounty of love’….and despite where my Cups go they will always have their mums love and as I said to them the day after Gary died…’your daddy will always be with you..’

I have to let you know I did have an ‘ephiany thought’ this morning as the elements of Edinburgh touched me…once my Cups journey futher afield…the world is once again my oyster!

‘the travels of life and motherhood are never stagnant!’ And as one of life’s avid travellers…plans are afoot….xox