I’ve always been a runner, yet I don’t think of myself as a runner…I was one of those reluctant Highschool runners who was put into School competitions…(it always seemed a drag)

I still can feel the presence of my School day runs as I complete 10K practices around Enniskillen…when I hit the Devenish playing fields it takes me back to double PE Friday Morning on cold Winter mornings!!

It makes me smile because I didn’t run from age 18 to 32 and then I took it up to ‘get away from the kids when they were babies and I’ve been running ever since..a bit like Forest Gump’ (they were young I needed ‘head space!).

It started first with a few metres of running..a walk…then running and gradually it built up !

It was my life saver, my tonic, my space when Gary was ill…the best piece of advice I was given was, ‘Tracey when people come to visit..you leave…go for your run..they will look after Gary..’ I did that, plus my daily runs..

I ran through Dishwashing Dads cancer, I ran through my grief, and I continued to run…a few years ago a friend challenged me to a marathon I went out to see how far I could run…I did 13 miles..I took on the challenge, and it was one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life!!

I tried running with Gary on Benone Beach once but never again ! His perfectionist running skills didn’t sit well with my boohoo running style ! He liked to run with others, I like to run on my own!

Running has journeyed me through moments of panic and pain, contemplative considerations, and laughter at life!

I was out running on Saturday it went amazingly a real zinc of body and mind…I did the same six mile route today and it felt like torture !

I guess running is reflective of our own life..the journey along our own road or trail continues, however our own head, heart and hope can be in varying places depending on where we are at in our life..

The most important thing is to keep putting your foot one in front of the other, and know yourself well enough to set your own pace for your wellbeing xox

I’ve been tired today, I guess it is the culmination of a lot of energy this week being taken out of me as mum, friend and worker. I’ve heard a lot of conversations about the days being long for some, and so busy for others, and it has got me thinking…

When we look back on this period in our lives collectively we will all know the impact it has had on our daily experience, but for each one of us the reality will be so different !

If like me you are working from home with kids around, life will fall into a gentle routine, somewhat different but there will be a liberation from the normal routines, and it will at times be stressful… but it will be safe in your home..

Today I spoke with a few friends heading back into hospital tomorrow and they are scared…they know they are about to enter a phase in their work life which will impact profoundly on them, and their families…they are already aware of it as their work colleagues, their friends are experiencing awfulness.

My NHS friends are not scared to do their job, they are scared at not being protected…this made me think…when we feel protected emotionally and physically there is a safety, a support, and a sense of being held…

I was able to hand over a few face masks today and a few plastic gloves, that is all I can give practically, but physically I can protect my NHS friends and my family by following the guidelines.

Let’s all do what we can and stay home as much as possible xox

Tonight my post is for all our NHS workers, and everyone that is supporting out Societal Wellbeing !

I know personally the wonderfulness of our NHS…for five years these wonderful workers were my friends, and cared lovingly and tenderly for Dishwashing Dad…they washed his body with empathy, nursed him with expertise, and surrounded our Family with a care that was above and beyond their job requirements !

When Gary was recovering from his Kidney Op the nurses let me heat home made dinners in their microwave (he was a fussy eater)..they visited our home on Christmas Day, and their days ‘off’ to tenderly tend his wounds, and they took our Cups out to have chocolate with a look of love as the Consultant entered to give the ‘Grade 4 Cancer Diagnosis’, and they made sure he came home on the night he died.. as I gave my Children the heartbreaking news of their dad’s death..

Gary’s wonderful Kidney Cancer Consultant exclaimed with delight on meeting Gary for his Consultation ‘you’ll be a delight to operate on you are so fit..’ we laughed, this same Consultant phoned Gary on a Sunday evening to ask him if he was available for his Kidney Operation in the coming week, and later that week he also tenderly held Gary’s hand with tears in his eyes as Gary was wheeled for an Emergency Op..

Nurses loved Gary, he knew each one of them by name..they used to sit in his room to write up their daily notes (as I lay on his bed) after caring for him when I finished work…and they would smile as I slept before my drive home..

At one time Gary had 4 different Consultants we could be in various hospitals within a week..

Please know we have a wonderful NHS, which is run by people who are human, they laugh with you, they cry with you and they care for you with empathy, expertise and energy..

In all our hospital moments I have only ever felt love…

At the moment they are leaving their loved ones to care for our loved ones, and their lives are at risk…please show your love and live within your own home..show the same care they do…

I did Panto 9 months later after Gary’s death, as I stood in the ‘line up’ a nurse who had looked after Gary in his final days..took my hand and said ‘ he would be so proud of you and the kids’.

Thank you to all the NHS workers from our Dishwashing Family for the care you showed Dishwashing dad and keep safe xox

It’s Friday and today I’ve been in contact with my girlfriend’s! I guess it’s the day we usually have our wee get together for our wee vino chit chat conversations! This night two weeks ago we were all together for an 18th birthday celebration!

Today we were all working from home! Tonight we are going to connect via Zoom…except for What’s app chats this will be our first convo in a wee while..during the week I’ve had my FT conversations and texts..

The wonderful thing about my ‘circle of girlfriend’s’ is they have and do support me in many ways, and my connection with them is a reflection of ‘me’..some share my love of drama, some are my friends from childhood, some are from work, or college, my cousins, family, and friends I’ve gathered in adulthood..

My girlfriend’s have been instrumental in my healing, they have held me, listened to me and danced my dance of grief, sometimes at my side, sometimes from afar, and sometimes in a close waltz…

A few months before Gary died I was out for dinner with a group of my girlfriend’s and as we chatted…I cried and said, ‘ my greatest fear is that I will be forgotten after Gary has died..’ on that evening they held me and promised me that would never happen and it hasn’t!

I have been blessed with my girlfriends and for that I’m so grateful…to all the phenomenal women in my life especially my mum..thank you and to my wine ladies, I do hope we master this Zoom tonight..let’s all raise a glass to all the lovely ladies in our life xox

So today started with a ‘Chocolate Trail’…from the Cup Niks bedroom to mine to start her 17th Birthday Celebrations! It was the familiarity of a birthday but the celebration of it has been an altered reality..

For months the Cup has been planning this day she was to be ‘off’ College, and she had told Grandad he would be teaching her to drive..he was to pick her up from rowing training, they would get breakfast…drive and then have lunch before he would drop her back to rowing training…

She still smiled..she got in the car…my nerves were alert (moments like today I am reminded of the reality of the two C’s which have altered our Dishwashing Family Path).

However like the first driving lesson…it was jerky at times…there were moments of fear and STOP!!! But me and the Niks did it!!

If one thing Widowhood has taught me is that when I doubt myself, the ‘I Can’…whispers somewhere deep inside me to allow the shout of it to manifest!

My Cups are the same…Alex is making the Cake and has set up the birthday tea…the birthday Cup said to me today…’what is wrong with being at home?’

That made me smile…coming from the daughter who is always ‘out!’…it made my heart flutter with love ♥️ xox

‘Glad ♥️ ahh look Tracey! Smile would brighten the world 👀. Chat soon 🙂 as you say “be kind to yourself”..’Thankyou for your kindness’..these are some of the beautiful words texted to me this week and it certainly has been a week full of words..

We have heard, we have listened, we have read, we have digested…but not fully broken down or absorbed the contents of our conversations..but our gut reactions are responding very fully to the diet of language…

I have been doing a lot of reading and research recently on the ‘gut’ and it’s radar to alert, to inform and educate…this week I know my gut has been fully functioning..I feel the anxiety…I feel the unknown and I feel the overwhelming reality of it all…like you I’m hearing the words of struggling..’I can’t believe this…what is going on?’

I went out for a run this morning I’m gonna be ultra fit soon🤪 and words were tumbling in my head..then I saw the feathers… Dishwashing dad was speaking his words..there has also been a Robin every morning this week…for those of you new to my blog …4 days before Gary died I said to him ‘ you’re not a hippy like me but please let me know you are with us..’ and in the past five years he has …

I guess what I’m trying to articulate in this message is…’ be kind in your words..they mean so much to you and others..and when they are whizzing around in your head especially at the minute, be gentle and give yourself the space, and time to digest them !’ In doing so your gut will not be overloaded and you will feel calmer..and more in control..that centers our wellbeing… xox

I don’t know about you but my head feels a bit scrambled at the moment..it reminds me of how I felt after Gary died…I was trying to carry on with life but my familar was gone, and there was little space to have clarity in my mind…the difference for me now is that my heart and head aren’t both scrambled simultaneously… Now it’s just my thoughts trying to catch up with my new reality!

The lessons and learnings of cancer and grief are really supporting me at the moment, in fact as a ‘whole’ within our Dishwashing family we have had conversations in relation to the familiarity of the feelings of uncertainty, and Gary’s words of strength to us in his darkest moments…he would often say to me his mantra.. ‘ we can’t change what is happening Tracey, but we can manage how we handle it! ‘

I guess that’s what directs my discourse of life now…I’m more mindful of my thoughts my behaviours and my heart and their interlocking connection…

This morning when I went for my solo run in my therapy ground of Necarne my head was tumbling with thoughts, my body was resisting the running, but my heart knew it needed the feelings of energy…

So it is at this time of change we will battle with our thoughts, our feelings will flood our beings, and our hearts will be hurting…like all moving functioning devices one part has an impact on the next, as it is with a performance, each person involved directs the course of the action on stage…

So when one part of you feels a bit jaded, a bit out of sorts, or overwhelmed… look at what you can do however small to ‘oil’ the mechanics of your heart, your head, and your behaviour, keep safe xox

Waking up this morning I was aware it was the beginning of a different rhythm to my life, to the Dishwashing family cycle, and the workings of our world…as I sat with the Cup George at breakfast he contemplated… ‘I can’t believe it’s only a week since we were off school, the hours are going quickly but the days are long..’

I marvelled at his wisdom so young…each hour is bringing so much news, and each day so much change…and Monday I knew was going to be the day I needed to be mindful of my wellbeing, my family and my work commitments…each one has altered in their workings but not in their essence..

I’ve worked in Wellness work now for over 30 years starting at College when I was VP Educational and Welfare Officer in the SU, and it has continued in various guises in the Victims, Survivors field..lecturing and Family Wellness…

In the process of grief there are 7 stages…Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Testing and Acceptance..during the past two weeks I’ve seen these Stages emerging in our Society quicker and quicker…to move from ‘Shock to Acceptance’ is a journey which often involves ‘time’, although the journey can go up and down..side to side and round and round…but to ride the journey and how we ride it is fuelled by energy!

If we are ‘Well’, as Well as we can be, we will journey more calmly, more healthily and more steadily..we need to be Mindful of our Wellness…my mantra to my mum’s is.. ‘be kind to yourself…be kind to your partner (can be your lover, your friend, your parent – whoever your support is), and be kind to your Cups..when our own Cup is nurtured and full then the hydration of body, soul and spirit is fuelled and filled !

Thank you for your loving words reference my writing and musings …to write this Blog over the last couple of years has been healing for me, and I know it has brought warmth to others…a dear friend said to me today..’thank you, I feel we need it daily..’ so for now I will write daily..please share at your will..we all need each other…

It’s Mother’s Day…a day of making moments or memories…today I’ll be doing both…

I was fortunate enough to bring one of my Cups home on ‘Mothering Sunday’, 17 years ago..Gary had bought me Moulin Rouge the movie on DVD…(what’s a DVD?) as my present, I adore the movie..

Each time I’ve brought one of the Cups home I’ve been filled with wonder, wishes and a willingness for them to have a life which is healthy, joyful and full of fun…

Yesterday evening around 9:30pm we were all sitting at our kitchen table, we had all drifted in at various moments…Alex first with her colouring book and her pencils in order…George after scouring FB and the net for a ‘go-cart’ to engineer as a project during his new found moments at home, and Niks after her work out on the rowing Erg…

As we sat and chatted about keeping ourselves safe, routines for keeping our wellness working…colouring, exercise, reading, school work etc…I smiled inside to myself..

I love Cups I’ve collected them from a young age..they hang in my house, they sit on my shelves and I have a varied eclectic collection…and so it is with my ‘Own Cups Alex, Niks and George’, they were crafted by Gary and myself, I carried them in my body, love and life have moulded them each into their crafty unique individual designs..with their quirks and persona…I did remark recently to a friend that I know their design now has a ‘harder outer shell’…we all have…but that’s no bad thing it’s called resilence…

Each of my Cups brings to my ‘Cup of life’ an energy that is uniquely theirs…they are my greatest creativity and I will continue to hold them as mum…just as my own mum continues to hold me…Happy Mother’s day to all you beautiful females who are mum in various guises…we’ve got this xox

‘I wish I could hug you but I can’t’, we cried with the distance between us, and 30 years that had connected us…I ate a couple of pieces of chocolate. ‘..do you want some chocolate?’ a pause.. ‘yes’, if my beautiful friend had said no, it would really have broken my heart! She took her piece of the chocolate bar…and nibbled it the same way as she had done in the 6th Form Common Room…there is comfort in the familiar habits when the boundaries of life are altered.

We drank our coffee, we walked the park that was the familiar family Sunday ramble with parents when we were kids, and with our own loved ones in more recent years…

‘There is no noise in nature that irratates’, I observed as we stopped to take photos of the lovely Lough Erne…

In an easy comfortableness we walked the terrain, observant of the ‘Social Distancing’, between ourselves and others…there was and now is a mutual acceptance of this new societal practice…in just a few days of hearing these words we are mindful of our behaviour and distance…

What I did feel and need today was my friend…we talked easily, we laughed together and in the distance between us was love that has been formed through moments, many moments together…

This my dear friends is what will connect us, the memory, the DNA of love and the word spoken, written or felt…these have no boundaries, no limits and no social distance they are our Soul xox