the cycle of a dishwashing family living with the daily refilling of the dishwasher of life after their dishwasher man was forced to take a leave of absence due to cancer!
It’s Friday it feels exhausting, surreal, unreal…in seven days we have as individuals, families and a society gone through what feels like a series of horror box sets…if the script had been written and filmed the critics would have uttered, ‘a car crash of exaggerated imaginative narrative.’ Yet this is our script!
As a worker in ‘Wellness’ it certainly has been a week of ‘overwhelming exhaustiveness’, coupled with apprehension about loved ones and being mum! Yet I have been mindful of my Wellness on all levels ! I have ran, done yoga and walked…I’m so aware of the importance of exercise to calm, to energise and hydrate the mind, body and soul..
I did need to remind myself that although my Cups may not need me to physically look after them, they need my emotional empathy !
Their Grandparents are in isolation…their friends are distancing physically, and their routines are shattered ! They are the generation of instant, of virtual, of social media… and the hard lesson they are learning is that virtual is not real!
In the moment when we the older generation are embracing reliance on technology and social media…. our Cups are wanting real connection!
I really feel this awful interlude in our lives will provide a consciousness..
I know personally that deep trauma, loss and change lead to a clarity on what really matters, and the wonder of human nature outshines the awfulness..be kind to yourself, to your loved ones, and nature and keep safe xox
There is something about a ‘Sunday Dinner’, well for my Cups anyway! It is what they love about going to Granny’s for dinner, and it was what Daddy is remembered for…it was the one meal I abandoned for nearly two years after Gary died…
On Sunday past one of the Cups asked for Sunday dinner I wasn’t prepared so I said we would have it on St Patricks day when I was off…
So I gathered up the ingredients on my way home last night and first thing this morning Alex got up and prepped the pots and veg…(my Cup girls were able to make a Sunday dinner age 10/11..positives of resilence when illness is within a family).
As I stirred the flour, butter and milk to make the cheese sauce I said to Alex, ‘the feelings at the moment are so familiar, they remind me of when your dad was approaching death…there is the uncertainty of what is ahead, the reality of the envitablity….but little understanding of the repercussions!’
Indeed I’ve said to a few people this week, ‘I feel like I’m in a play and I haven’t been given my lines, the plot or the ending!’…I do recall just before Gary died texting a fellow Calendar girl friend and saying..’life is replicating art…’ usually it’s the other way round!
That is the reality of life..it’s like improvisation! True improv allows you to trust yourself, your fellow performers and the process..there is no ‘NO’ in improv….only ‘YES’…sometimes it’s comfortable, sometimes it’s not…sometimes it tests us, sometimes it empowers us..so all I’m saying is…in this our society of reality we may need to hone our improvised skills of ‘trust and yes’… I can do this, you can do this, we can do this…just trust…we don’t know the script..
One thing that I’ve learnt from the improv of my life script is…that I can, I have, and I will do it… despite how scared I am…after all “I’m an actress, and Mum’ xox
Over the last week I have experienced a fever of heightened zealousness around the ‘C’ word…it’s leading to self isolating, social distancing, panic hoarding of groceries and toilet roll, and acts of kindness…this time five years ago our Dishwashing family went into self isolation, we socially distanced ourselves from others and I became mindful of germs… to me they were harmless… to Dishwashing Dad fatal…again it was the Big ‘C’ that was wielding it’s deadly touch…(anyone who loves or lives with chronic illness or a life limiting illness knows daily all these measures).
It has bemused me somewhat and in no way am I undermining the gravity of the situation but I do feel there is a mindful learning to be had at this moment in time…
I can vividly recall the feeling five years ago that life was ‘living around me’ while death was omnipresent in our lives, and it taught me the profound value of the moment, the minute, the hour, the day…
I am truly hoping that we as souls on this earth realise we are here for a brief moment, and our moments should be filled with conversations and connections that are mindful and meaningful.
So as we spend time now in the next few weeks together with our children, our friends our loved ones, drop the gadget (no point washing and sanitising the hands to pick up the germ ridden device), talk, look, really look, smile, and connect..I’m really hoping the social distancing will allow for individual realisation of what really matters…
I believe daily in ‘self isolating’, having my ‘me’ moments of ‘Tracey Time’ as a loved one named it recently..I have been known to ‘socially distance’ myself from situations and people toxic to my wellbeing and all these behaviours have supported my journey of healing..
Kindness…be kind in your buying, and your behaviour because it has repercussions…
I usually end with ‘keep hugging your loved ones’…however for the few weeks ahead hug yourself instead.. you deserve it..
Yesterday as I held my daffodils for Gary’s grave someone very sadly said, ‘it’s cold, no one has anything good to say…it’s’ bad..’ there was a sadness in her voice…I looked at my ‘sunshine, nodding daffs’ and replied, ‘we are here, many would love to be..’ she smiled, I smiled let’s all now be present xox
Yesterday afternoon in the pouring rain of storm Dennis I stood with my friend and her husband under her car roof deep in conversation (she was kindly donating books to a local free cycle and I was receiving them for our work lending library). In our conversation (all three of us coming from an educational background) were gently discussing the challenges and choices facing our society today and especially our young people, our children, our charges….
Amid the words of connection between us, one sentence resonated all day with me as I meandered the town in the tears of the storm..’I worry about the lack of empathy today..’
I couldn’t shake ‘off’ these words, and I know it is because ’empathy is the esscence of all emotional engagements’
…in all my professional learning and practice it is the pivatol point from which I centre myself, and in my own journey as Tracey it is central to my existence.
To give or receive empathy one has to engage with kindness. If you happen to be around me in any of my impassioned conversations on ‘wellness’ you will have heard my mantra..’be kind to yourself, be kind to your partner whoever that happens to be in your life, (lover, parent, friend) and be kind to our children.’
When we shower ourselves in kindness we acknowledge our ‘wellness’ state and nurture it’s fragility, when we are kind to our partners we strengthen our support and connection, and when we are kind to our children we are sowing the seeds of love.’
To be empathetic and flow with kindness we need wellness…it’s a ‘circle of nourishment’ that feeds our hearts, our heads and our happiness.
We will not always experience good times or good feelings but kindness allows empathy to work it’s magic…empathy connects us to ourselves and others…
I have had many moments in my life where I have had the energy, time and fullness to show and shower empathy to myself, my partner’s (Gary, family and friends), and to my children..however there have been times I have been lacking in empathy due to illness, grief and challenges, but in those moments when I couldn’t fully be kind to myself, others or my children, family and friends held me tightly with kindred kindness, touched me with acts of practical kindness and words, and carried my children for me as I nursed myself back to full parenthood again..
The heart and head are fragile…empathically empower them with the fuel of your kindness, you deserve it, so does your partner and certainly our children….
And always know you are loved and there is someone there xox
Today ‘my heart, my throat and my eyes’, had one of those moments when they joined in unison at the reality of the crossroads my life is at now…’my heart lurched, my throat caught itself and my eyes watered’…I had just dropped the eldest Cup Alex off for her interview at Edinburgh Uni…it’s her 4th interview in various UK cities…(the rest she attended independently with her friend)…she asked me to come to Edinburgh!
As she went to say ‘hi’ to two other students I turned and life just ‘stopped’..it was one of those moments when I really needed her daddy, our Dishwashing dad, my Gary..
…the reality of motherhood…and being a single mum on my own…really ‘hit me’…part of me was so very proud…and part of me so very sad that Gary is not physically sharing these moments with us, with me..(it was that feeling when I imagined what would be happening if he was here..we would have held hands, smiled and been proud!’)….that is what grief continually does to you as the years go by…it ‘plays out the script’ that you know cannot be written or lived..’
As l walked away from the Uni and the Cup part of me was so reminescient of times gone by… Edinburgh was one of ‘our first get away breaks as parents’.
I remembered leaving 3 kids with chicken pox with my mum and Gary and I loving the City and connection with each other!
I stopped at a bench and packed Alex’s rucksac into mine and thought of how I had carried her in my tummy, held her in my arms and gently pushed her in life..it’s the same rucksac I used as George’s baby bag…
We have travelled light for this quick visit, two little rucksacs and ourselves, and I guess that is all you need in life…’little baggage but a bounty of love’….and despite where my Cups go they will always have their mums love and as I said to them the day after Gary died…’your daddy will always be with you..’
I have to let you know I did have an ‘ephiany thought’ this morning as the elements of Edinburgh touched me…once my Cups journey futher afield…the world is once again my oyster!
‘the travels of life and motherhood are never stagnant!’ And as one of life’s avid travellers…plans are afoot….xox
In a little Village a long time ago called Lisbellaw there lived many characters….Maud, Wee Davy, Joe….the children played in the village together, and they were happy!
…it was the best of times in what was the worst of times for our Country. We were innocent, carefree and laughing!
Tonight fast forward 40 years and I have left the Church Hall in Lisbellaw and there was laughter, fun and craic..and the children of the village are now the Characters..
Tomorrow night commences three nights of the Dancerella Panto (the vision of the COI Lisbellaw Minister, Stephanie). I was asked by her to direct her, self-penned script in May and little did I realise the wonderful journey I would embark upon as director !
I direct a few wee productions now locally but this creative collaboration has been personal.
I have bossed, bawled and bantered with my fellow childhood companions…I have seen the characters of panto ‘Lisbellaw’ flourish and flower, and I have been touched at the integration of young and old.
Creativity and drama allow an individual to be someone they are not, the Production of Dancerella has allowed the village of Lisbellaw to be what it truly is….
I have seen a village of individuals come together to create, communicate and celebrate their Oneness and it has been humbling and beautiful !
For me personally the most beautiful bonus of being part of this production has been with my dad…I’ve never seen him act, ( I think I know where my artistic flair may come from)…it has been very special!
We live in an age of technological togetherness now, yet it may appear it is what is disconnecting us…when I recall my childhood, we roamed, we rambled and we were connected in conversation…tonight I left a final rehearsal and we were connected in creativity and communication.
The power of words can never be underestimated, as I’ve directed this panto I’ve recalled a lot of childhood memories, I’ve connected with characters of old and new….and I’ll always treasure when my daddy said to me after the second rehearsal, ‘Tracey you are very good at what you do!’, I was that little girl again and I loved it!
Yesterday myself and the girl Cups arrived in Spain, and something happened which has never happened to me in 47 years of travel, (if you consider my parents whisked me to Singapore aged 1 and my first holiday was Malaysia), I got pick pocketed, but although it’s a bit of a pain the loss of money, the hours in between have revealed a remarkable reality about what is considered loss in the ‘Dishwashing family’, and my heart and head are full of warmth and wonder at the wisdom of my darling Cups x
So we had just ordered dinner, I picked up my rucksack and realised my purse with my money was missing, (I keep my cards separate on travels), immediately my girls independently and intuitively announce they would trace their steps and check the room…
‘I was to sit and have my dinner’, they are calm and collected… We phone each other, no joy…
When they return I say to them, ‘let’s not panic, it’s only money, it’s a warning to be mindful, it could be worse, one of us could be lost’, then we chat about our trip to Malaysia and Nora who is missing, (heartbreak of loss)…we eat our dinner ravenously, we are starving…
As we sit together later on in the evening Alex and I chat and I say to her, ‘I like to feel that our money will be supporting a person or family in need and we have to allow the universe the money’. She agrees and recalls how in Kenya on her project last year they realised people stole to feed themselves, ‘it may not be correct’, Alex said but it didn’t make them bad… then Niks floats into the conversation from the other room and announces, ‘maybe someone needed the money’, she agrees with our reasoning…
We then chat about loss and how their ‘benchmark’ for loss is perhaps a lot higher than most people with loosing their dad to cancer’…
I know as a Dishwashing Family we may have been given an early, enlightenment as ‘to what it really means to loose’…and as awful as our loss was and is, it now means we are living a life of ‘reasoned rich reality’, which is not ‘marred or masked’ in ‘material or mindless want or worry’.
We awoke this morning to an alfresco breakfast, we are happy, we are healthy, and I am a hopeless romantic who believes she has two amazing, aspired adults in the making’
…and I can’t quite believe that ‘we made them and they really are mine’ xox
Today was one of those days in N Ireland where we had ‘4 seasons in one day’, I managed to get my run in on the beach early morning in the sun, then it poured down in torrents in the afternoon as I drove along the winding roads of the N Coast, then tonight I was so amazed at the beauty of Benone Beach, and now I am gazing at the mountain shrouded in a tinge of red.
The multitide of weather conditions and sights today has got me thinking… in life we are continually being presented with a ‘changing environment and atmosphere’, and we are expected to always react calmly and responsibly to the ever changing climate of life, and the reality is, ‘sometimes we just are not ready for the winds of change, the deluge of rain or the thuds of thunder’… which can come crashing, sweeping or gradually seep into our lives.
This year I’ve noticed that myself and the Cups have been very considered, calmer and closer in our ‘Dishwashing cycle of family life’, don’t get me wrong, we still are ‘very loud, very shouty and very exuberant’, (it has been noted by one of the boyfriends.. we are loud), in our conversation, arguments and connections, but the overall climate of family life has been less wild, less wavering and more warmer and more manageable.
I was considering why this was tonight and I believe it’s because our thermometer of feeling had risen, each one of us has matured in our management of handling ‘our grief’, our diall for happiness is beginning to point more to happiness and we as a family are able to forecast and feel the rays of love more warmly again.
In fairness it has been a rather challenging year in lots of ways, but what has become apparent is as a dishwashing family we really are very close, the laughter at the dinner table is warmth for our souls, the 10pm cuddles and conversations on the sofa are a reminder of what is forecast and happening, and our continued conversations about dishwashing dad direct our discourse for dishwashing family life…
What it reveals to me is that ‘there is never bad weather only unsuitable clothing’, and such is the mantra for life… If we equip ourselves, our Cups and our connections with love, time and hugs each storm can be weathered, and each sunshine can certainly sooth the soul, so keep loving and hugging all the time, the Dishwashing family do xox
I always find when I sit down to write that I don’t quite know what words will flow out, but I am conscious of what I want to say… usually an idea comes to me when I am out running…yesterday and today as I put one foot in front of the other on my run I was aware that once again my life is about to change…at the end of this week I finish my fabulous job which I started in September with the ‘Mums Wellness Project’, and I will be moving to Sure Start as a Family Support Worker…it was a planned change…it is my 4th job since Gary has died, and hopefully it will be my last move in employment for a few years…
I was chatting with a friend the other day about how much my life has changed in the last eight years, and so drastically in the last four years since Gary left our family physically…
In life ‘change is constant and continual’, some changes we can plan for, like my new job, some changes are because it has to change as life is just not working out, that is when I left my career in lecturing, the ‘work-life’ balance was ‘off kilter’ and I needed change to heal my heart, and my Cups needed me to cater for their ever changing needs as they became teenagers and life without dad!
What I have realised about change is that there is a choice, maybe immediately we may not manage our choices adequately, or very effectively for our own ‘well-being’, but eventually with any change after the initial ‘reactive response’ which is often a manic spin, there usually ensues moments which are less likely to ‘toss you’ about and a gentle cycle allows one to contemplate choice in a more enlightened and informed manner…
…for some of us the moments to change our setting ourselves can be quick and decisive, for some of us the ability and strength to make a personal choice with regards to change can take longer and require much more energy and time…
With the correct support and love for ourselves, and from others, choice for ourselves will appear, and the importance of that moment is to manage your choice in your own way to ensure that your change of circumstances does not impact more negatively on your life!
In the midst of our ‘crazy cycle’ of illness, Dishwashing dads mantra was, ‘Tracey we can’t change what is happening to us, but we have control on how we manage it…’ and it has been my mantra of instruction as I negotiate life as a widow and single mum!
I haven’t always got my choice correct, in the last four years due to grief I have been very reactionary, I have also been numb, very numb, and slowly I have started to thaw out, slowly choices have been more considered, and slowly my head and heart are beginning once again to respond, react and rally as one…this has allowed my ‘well-being’ to heal, the hurt is still there but my choices for myself and my Cups means we are now really starting to feel the joy of happiness again, in our hearts and home, and Gary is still very much in the centre of our choices because he is in the centre of our hearts, and our Dishwashing family due to our memories and love for one another…
The simple solution I feel which has managed more effective healing choices for me and the Cups has been the love of family and friends along with patience, kindness and time…and what I have realised is that Gary and I always showered the Cups with time, with moments together (Alex was just chatting about our winter walks in Necarne and Sunday walks in Florencecourt with the barbeque for tea in the park)…so it would seem that the choice to spend time, give hugs and be in love certainly seems to support choice in change positively xox
It’s that moment which you think about, it’s that moment which keeps you going, it’s that moment, you create.
We all have our own ‘toffee crisp’ moments, daily, weekly or in life!
The daily moment is integral to our wellbeing, it may be the only moment in the day which is truly yours.. No-one is shouting your name, no chores are imminent and there is just ‘a me’ in my moment…
Mine is in the morning at 6am, I take my mug of milky coffee in the same Cup given to me by Bhavna and Girish when I was their nanny, aged 18. Noone in our home uses my Cup, it is all mine.. When I drink my coffee, I sit, I am still and I am in the moment..it is called Mindfulness now, but since my early teens I have had my early morning moments, and it is only in the last six months that these moments have returned with anticipation, eagerness and regularity, and I know it is because my journey of grief is easing into my daily life more comfortably.
My weekly ‘toffee crisp’ moment is most definitely Friday late afternoon, ever since I was a little girl my friend Melanie and I had Friday playdates, as I got older and went to Uni, I never studied on a Friday.. After Gary died I went to bed every Friday afternoon for a couple of hours, I couldn’t face the weekend without him, I missed the anticipation of weekend family fun, the eagerness was lost and excitement was gone.. Now four years later Friday afternoons are returning to bubbles of ‘crispy toffee fun’ filled with teenage antics and that’s just from Dishwashing mum!
My ‘toffee crisp’ moment in life is harder to pin point but I feel it was the moment I set off to travel the world! It had been my dream since 14.. I can recall kissing Dishwasher man ‘goodbye’, and thinking, ‘this is it!’ Again anticipation, excitement and eagerness abounded.. My travels have supported my journey of grief, travel taught me to embrace change, navigate unfamiliarity and embrace feelings of fear, uncertainty and know, ‘I can do this, I have done it!’
Thankyou to the special mum last week who told me about her ‘toffee crisp’ moment each evening, the moment that’s hers, all hers…as we sat together all the mums, we each thought of our own, ‘toffee crisp’ moment and its importance in our life daily, we just debated fridgerated or melting toffee crisps!
Therein lies the reality, however we like our ‘toffee crisp’, whenever we eat our ‘toffee crisp’ or whatever that ‘toffee crisp’ moment is, we should all be having it.. We all need and deserve it xox
dishwashingmum 