‘All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.’

As you Like It, Act 11, Scene VII – Shakespeare

I love Panto, I love Shakespeare – I love life – All three are funny, sad, gruesome, and tell a story in which there is love, hate, laughter, sorrow – but hopefully there is a ‘happy ever after’ all the pain! (But not always – because that’s life!).

In life there is a rhythm – the seasons come and go, the clock ticks its seconds and the year passes – my yearly rhythm has formed over time and part of it is my panto rehearsal and performance – it started for me age 12 – 18 then disappeared until my 40’s – little did I know how it was to support my life!

As a young quiet shy girl my mum and a teacher saw potential and cast me as Snow White – then many years later my reunion with panto came full circle with the Lakeland Players via my Cups!! (They joined then I got to act in panto by default)!

The year I joined the cast was the year our Dishwashing family life started its ‘crazy cycle’ – little did I know how the yearly rhythmic pattern of rehearsal and performance would support our family life, heal our hurt and strengthen our souls! Gary was insistent I never gave up on the panto stage, I protested adamantly that I couldn’t as the cancer cycle intensified (I stepped out of other drama connections) but he knew myself and the Cups needed to be together! I recall one Sunday (in his last months of life) travelling at bottle neck speed from the RV Hospital to reach panto rehearsal on time with the Cups and we were all crying; they were protesting they couldn’t do it and me agreeing internally but not verbally – I said to them ‘let’s do it for daddy – so he can come and see us on stage’, and we did it and it was the last time he saw us on stage (and the last night I had out with him at the Wrap party after the show!!)

What has panto life taught me? Resilience, it can be done and how fear can be conquered! Panto has become a family for my family – Gary said to me before he died – you will need panto when I’m gone Tracey! I didn’t think I would ever step onto a stage after Gary’s death – but his words and the belief of a certain director meant I did – despite all my inner turmoil – it’s reflective of my journey as a single Mum – I often don’t want or think I can do it – but I can and do !!

Gary knew me better than I knew myself – he was right – so what has happened since our new Dishwashing life commenced?? We continued to do panto – George Cup joined after Gary’s death and I got two wonderful years with all of us performing together on stage – (this year the girls left due to sport and study commitments!). Now it’s me and George but that reflects our family dynamics at present!

What has my journey been like since 2015 and my first panto in 2016 without the Dishwasher mans words of encouragement and belief in me??

I was reflecting the other day about my rehearsal and performance over the past three years of shows and I realised they have mirrored my grief – the very first year in blind faith and pure luck of improv and crazy energy I somehow managed to ‘pull off’ the role of Queen Rat (I’m surprised my director Stephen isn’t grey yet) – the second year I was totally unprepared for my role as the Fairy Godmother as my life was a crazy journey of deep grief and I was petrified on stage of letting the cast, crew and myself down – this year I’m prepared – I feel a lot more in control – I had time to learn lines, think about my character and I’ve enjoyed the rehearsal and performance process – that’s how I feel about life in general – I’m a wee bit more in control and the joy of life is seeping through again!!

Grief is a crazy, chaotic and eventually a conscious journey of healing!

What has worked for me is being kind to myself with tears, acknowledgement and time – how my panto family have helped can never be fully expressed –

It’s the little things – the males being role models for himself the Little Cup – the bond of family and familiarity – but for me it’s the fact that my panto friends never gave up on me – in their kindness to me they let me improvise, they believed I could and can do it and they trusted me – but most of all their kindness, support and hugs have helped with our Dishwashing healing and I can never convey in words how much they mean to me and the Cups!

Before each show I go off to my zone to have a wee chat with himself – he’s right there with me on stage xox Continue reading “The performance of panto!!” →

As I ponder on 2017 I realise I’ve encountered and experienced a lot of change.. but the difference this year compared to years previous is that I instigated or controlled the change!

Change can be difficult, traumatic, needed, a relief, enforced or embraced…however it comes we can’t and won’t alter its direction but we have control on how we manage the change…sometimes we falter, sometimes we stand strong, we might cry or laugh, be angry or happy…however and whenever Change meets us we have a reaction!

Sometimes our reactions are rehearsed, sometimes they are improvised – each reaction tells us something about where we are in our journey of life!

2017 the second year of grief was without question my darkest moments of coping with my change to my Dishwashing family life! It all started on New Years Day as we snorkelled in the Thai sea – I stopped – yes I finally stopped and took a breath – I was hurting – really hurting and I then allowed myself the time to journey through my grief – in my first year as a mum I had to see to the Cups – now I had to see to myself – what did I do??

Well initially I continued in my ‘mad cap vein’ of crazy madness and continued to the point where my body had to start shouting at me – I took panic attacks – my skin broke out – my face aged – I was tired, scared and broken!!

Finally due to outside influences ‘I stopped’ – yes at Easter I said ‘No More’ – it was ‘No More’ to situations that were toxic to me, no more to feeling ‘I can do this’ and I was kind to myself!

I left my job – I walked and hiked outdoors with wonderful ladies, I took up rowing and I reconnected with my Cups – I slowed life – I walked instead of frantically running, I slept instead of staying up to all hours – I started to be kind to me!

I reflected on my journey of illness with Gary, I reflected on his death, I reflected on my new role as a single mum…

Slowly and gradually the ‘old me’ started to return – I took early retirement (I did panic about its implications but it worked out fabulously).. I reconnected with my passions – creating – acting – directing – and my reconnections with the Cups strengthened!

As I approach this year ending I feel the glimmer of happiness embedding again in our Dishwashing Family – the Cups radiate it continually – to my beautiful family and friends thank you for wiping my tears, hugging my body and supporting my soul!!

Bring on the changes for 2018 – may they be beautiful and filled with love for us all x

May 2018 bring us all fabulous health and happiness xox

Last night I donned my ‘Snow White’ costume and character as myself and fellow Enniskillen High School (EHS) students from the ‘yonder years’ took to stage to perform in a reunion Pantomime – ‘Four Weddings and a Reunion’, on our old school stage!!

As I headed out for the performance one of the ‘Cups’ said to me, ‘I can’t believe you are going to be Snow White, she’s young!!’, (I just love how they make you feel confident and enthused!). I replied, ‘I am!!!!’.

The journey of this panto was as a result of nostalgic reminiscence and connection with the fabulous teachers, teaching and most of all experiences we all had at Enniskillen High School!! In true High School fashion ‘the call’ was made and the cast and crew were assembled and rehearsals commenced! For many this was a first time returning to ‘treading the boards’ since their days of school, for some it was their first step ever onto stage!

What did this journey reveal to me??

Many many things – firstly I’m delighted and grateful to the wonderful Miss Cook and Mrs Johnston for picking me to be ‘Snow White’ 35 years ago, I remember them asking me if they could ‘stretch me’!

Yesterday Miss Cook said ‘ah my wee Tracey Brown’ when I revealed who I was to her!! That ‘step’ as Snow White allowed me to become confident, creative and connected to my talent and what makes me feel ‘alive!’ and I have been so fortunate to take this on my journey of life personally and professionally!

Last night the ‘spark’ was lit and burned brightly in my fellow cast members as they performed and back stage conversations centred on feeling connected, happy and alive!! I could see this ember being ignited at rehearsals, I could see it start to grow with line learning and blocking moves, I could see the characters come to life!!

This is what EHS did for me, for us – it saw the ‘spark’ where others may have saw ‘darkness’, it saw the ‘talent’ where others saw ‘nothing’ and it saw ‘happy ever after’ where others may have not!!

The ethos of our EHS was to see, believe and encourage us as their student family!

With our panto performance journey there was an idea, a belief and fruition in the performance of the production!

However the journey was not just for the cast and crew it was inclusive of our families, fellow students and our teachers (they performed also in a reminiscent scene of pantos past). What we heard last night as we mingled in the canteen during the interval was, ‘it’s just like going back to school, it’s wonderful!’ – we were all back in our school, in our heads, hearts and hopes!!

Life is a journey of connection, like panto land it’s ‘good, bad and ugly’ at times, there are moments of hilarity, (our ugly sister comedic connections), moments of horror (our baddie moments) and our moments of love (our Prince Charming and Cinderella connections).

My ‘Cups’ came to see me last night and like with my ‘Dishwashing’ journey of family life they were awash with pride – but as always I wanted the Dishwasher man to see the production – to see what my school meant to me, however my steps forward allowed me to be part of this creative journey –

I couldn’t have done this performance last year, so a year has made a big difference with my healing – that’s what creativity has given me connection – what Enniskillen High School gave me was a belief I could do it – I could be Snow White – (I did ask Miss Cook if there was another Tracey Brown in the school- when the cast list went up 35 years ago!) – it developed my skills to cope with the improv of life as we often had it on stage, and it provided me with many moments of happiness!

Thank you to my wonderful school Enniskillen Highschool’

Thank you to my fellow cast and crew!

Thank you to panto land and I wish you all – ‘a happy ever after!’

FYI ” In 2008, 11+ exams were abolished in Northern Ireland in an attempt to make the education system more equal. However, many of the grammar schools in the country quickly responded by producing their own entrance exams, or transfer tests, to avoid becoming mixed-ability comprehensives. ”

https://www.theschoolrun.com/Northern-Ireland-transfer-test

I was sitting at the table in the dining room – Dishwasher man was in the living room watching TV – the little Year 6 Cup pipes up, ‘I want to do the transfer test, I want to go to the Collegiate school for girls’ – my initial mummy response?

You want the truth –

I sank!! My heart, my head, my hopes –

NB to self all about me!!

I couldn’t believe my Cup wouldn’t want integrated comprehensive education – I didn’t know if she’d make the grade – I realised I had to let her go – yep the Cup was starting to forge her destiny! I said ‘great, but I’m not getting you a tutor – if you’re gonna get there, you need to work hard, really hard’.

So began the transfer test in our home in 2011 – year 6 she began to dig deep and she got there and passed her test in 2012 – (it was the year after Gary was recovering from the removal of his brain tumour) so Dishwashing Dad became the daddy tutor – he loved it, she loved and I loved it – I was ‘off the hook’ – the following year in 2013 he took on the role again – then it HALTED !

A couple of weeks before the test, blood in the urine appeared, 2 days later a shadow was detected, two weeks later a kidney and a tumour were removed – the day before the test, it’s a Friday, a friend takes me up to the Royal in Belfast Gary seems dopey I voice my concerns, as the afternoon passes it materialises his body is flooded with an infection it’s been there for a week – his mum arrives, his surgeon arrives, he puts his hand gently on Gary and leans over and says I’m so sorry I ruptured you, there was so much blood, Gary reassures him – yes Gary in his wonderful, beautiful manner forgives – I look at my amazing husband, I’m in turmoil, I have to go, I have to choose my Cup over my husband, (he always came first, this time he can’t), I can leave him as his mummy is with him (at this point she hadn’t told us of her diagnosis – it is Nov – we would loose her within a few months). I kiss him goodbye – I travel the two hours home – me and my Cup spend time together, she sleeps, I pour wine, I sleep restlessly on the chair – he is in his op, they are to phone when it is over – they do around midnight ‘hello is that Mrs Kernaghan?’, I answer ‘yes’, ‘I’m afraid there were complications, Gary is in ICU on a life support machine.’ ‘Do I need to call his family’ I asked, he doesn’t really answer or I don’t hear his reply – I come off the phone –

What do I do? Nikki has the transfer test tomorrow, I have to phone his family, my family – I need to be in Belfast for my husband, I need to be home for my daughter, I am alone – I need my Gary! I go to Belfast it’s his birthday – he’s wired up, he is still, he’s scared I know it – he can hear me I know it, I lean down – I kiss him and whisper, ‘I’ve seen you comatosed lots on your birthday but this is crazy!!’

I have to leave at 5am I’m home one minute before the Cup comes down the stairs, I take her to the test, we go for hot chocolate afterwards I tell her daddy is in a coma, she asks for an ice cream – I go to tell the other two Cups and dad brings me up to Belfast – the dishwasher man has defied all odds and has come out of the coma – the next week we have a week off from testing – we all go to the hospital – Gary has been moved to a private room, the kids are taken off to get chocolate – we are told Gary has cancer Grade 4 – it’s terminal – the kids come in a couple of minutes later – we tell them – our precious Cups that their daddy has cancer – we all cry together on his hospital bed – then we give him his birthday presents – ‘please tell my mum Tracey, I can’t’, he says – how can I tell anyone I think to myself – my phone rings it’s my brother – ‘Gary has cancer’ I say ! The next week the Cup does another test and another one the week after and each day she phones daddy tutor for discussion of answers – he is in hospital all of the month she does transfer! She passes! I see his relief and smile at the result x

2017 – transfer testing looms in the air, I decide to buy some tests in the summer for the Cup George to practice – he refuses – ‘Summer is for fun mum’ -that’s his mantra – he sticks resolutely to it – this Cup has dyslexia but is fabulous at maths – he is fit to do the test but he requires extra time – I apply we get it – it makes a difference – he does his tests he’s doing great – weekends are like the summer – and the weekend test is testing weekly!!

He does his first two tests and loves them – he doesn’t mind which school he goes to, he tells me he has friends at both and both his mum and dad have been to both! Tests don’t bother him this Cup tells me – he’s been on stage in the Ardhowen Theatre – we have our last test this Saturday – he’s not worried but tells me he is going to miss our Friday nights alone together (I have always had just the Cup alone in the home the night before the test) – George wants to know if we can send the girls away every Friday!

So the testing of transfer for me has not been so much the test as the circumstances surrounding it on each occasion – Cup no 1 really wanted it – Cup no 2 circumstances were dire – Cup no 3 only had me not daddy tutor – I also realised that this test for George brought up a lot of my own grief which hadn’t been dealt with – the Friday before his first test was awful, I lived that fateful Friday all over again – I had to – it was raw – but I was mindful enough to take the day off work and nurture myself – for George the test hasn’t been his worry – the lonesomeness of taking the test without daddy here has been great – he has slept a lot with me and now has my bed as I’m relegated to his – he needs extra cuddles, extra sleep and mummy – also I realised my fear of the transfer test has been overcome – what was always Dishwasher Daddy’s area of expertise has been managed ok by me – I can and have done it – thanks to the Cup George – his wonderful teachers and school – another tick in my journal of single parenting!!

The morning of George’s first test a black feather was waiting for us in the kitchen –

‘A black feather is a sign of protection from your Angels. They are here to guard you and repel negative energy..’ he put it in his shoe! He knew it was from his daddy – he told me.

What transfer testing has taught our Dishwashing family is that – life must go on even when the sea of life is frantically turbulent, and it is the comfort of family, friends who are family and school which provide the protection and shelter in the storms – but most of all I’ve learnt – my Cups are so resilient, strong and amazing and they will never be just defined by a transfer test result, if anything they defined the transfer test! xox

Do you ever have one of those days as a parent where you feel ‘I can’t do this…!’ As I got into the car to go to panto rehearsal…the panic set in…I had just left the Cups after a rant off ., ‘no -one listens to me.. no – one does what I ask .. no – one speaks to me (unless they want a phone, a credit card or a lift!!) … parenting would be so much easier without the fight with technology (being my permanent nemesis!!)

What spurned this altercation in the usual calm of a Thursday evening in the Dishwashing family home?? Well a few things, clothes sitting in the bedroom in a basket from Sunday still not put away .. the dog not walked (although it was part of a bargain for a new phone on Monday) .. then the dog had decided to pee everywhere in the kitchen (because he hadn’t been walked) and the two dinners were still sitting two hours after returning home .. (the usual home cooked dinners which appear (by magic) every night and often end up in a recycling bin!!) .. MY RANT … ‘I’m not a slave .. no more washing is being done until clothes are put away .. it would be lovely if you asked ‘how I was?’

I get into the car … put on my music so I can blast the tunes very loud – well Stereophonics very very loud .. then on continual repeat plays Ed Sheerans – ‘Photograph’.. (I didn’t put it on..)

Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes

But it’s the only thing that I know

When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes

It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

.. on the Friday before Gary died on the Tuesday as he lay in hospital I whispered ..’I know you’re not a hippy like me .. but promise me you’ll send me some signs .. that you’re still with us .. me and the Cups ..’

Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul

And it’s the only thing that I know, know

I swear it will get easier,

Remember that with every piece of you

Hm, and it’s the only thing we take with us when we die

I cried .. well the tears flowed .. it is tough parenting .. it is tough single parenting .. it is tough widowhood – but we are not alone .. I wiped the eyes .. took a few deep breaths .. lifted the script – hit rehearsal and wrote this as I calmed .. I was with my panto family I felt ‘the calm’ – again when Gary was sick I recall him saying you’ll continue to do panto Tracey as I protested I couldn’t – he said you are going to do it .. you will need it and your panto family in your life –

That is what I’m learning in this new cycle of family life .. the familiar is what comforts my journey – the yearly cycle of school, panto, holidays, Benone .. coupled with the new pursuits of hiking .. rowing and now marathon training ..

As parents it is so important we fill our lives with ‘our tribe’ because our wee tribes of Cups do and should go off with their own wee tribes!!

We the Chiefs need to be dancing and acting our way through our rituals of life .. the clothes not being put away aren’t bothering me so much now .. well until the next rant occurs !!!

One of the first things I fell in love with in Copenhagen during my first visit there aged 14 and then again in Nov 2015 as an adult was their bicycle usage. They cycle everywhere, anytime and with anything with them!! It is the casual ease, familiarity and wholeness of their cycling that has really impacted on me!

At home cycling is now seen as an adult sport and it is at a ‘set time’, can be fast, can be competitive, it’s a group thing, it’s a hobby – 

In Copenhagen cycling is every moment, every day.. no expensive equipment, clothing or clubs.. kids are attached or bunked into the bike box, the other day George and I counted three aged 2-8 in dads bicycle box (my terminology)!

In conversation at dinner last Saturday night with out Danish relatives we were discussing how much driving I do as a single mum to three very active Cups! Louise (Danish) asked ‘why doesn’t Nikki cycle to rowing?’ The question was met with aghast by the aforementioned Cup. ‘It’s five miles!!’ To which both Stuart and Louise replied, ‘we do that to work and back or even more every day’ – (they smiled!!).

Then we reflected on why it’s not possible in NI. Copenhagen a busy beautiful City supports its citizens to cycle – there are appropriate cycle paths, respect for the cyclist and very loud bells if you are in the way!!

What I mused upon was – when we start to integrate positive action into our everyday moments it becomes an ingrained natural way of living! On the plane home I noticed the Danish gentleman beside me working on a PPP entitled – ‘Is health awareness a citizens responsibility or government socio demo-graphics?’ I asked him what was his conclusion? Like me he believed it was the citizens individual choice but there has to be support from government! The cycling in Copenhagen reflects this – the Government has invested in the infrastructure to support cycling in the Danish citizens lifestyle and as citizens they make the individual choice to make it a life choice to cycle, and thus show example to their Cups!

There is learing here for all of us – we should all learn to be mindful of how our daily choices impact on our own well being emotionally, mentally and physically (Denmark is often cited as one of the happiest Countries to live in – it is somewhere the Dishwashing Family have all agreed they would move too!)….being mindful of our own well being and health has an impact on our Cups – I know this with having travelled the cancer journey with Gary and in coping with his death – I needed to be healthy in mind, body and spirit to support my Cups! (Often and still now I’m not but I’m mindful to keep trying and readjusting to be so).

Copenhagen cycling is family centered, all ages and not seen as an effort (remember those carefree days of childhood cycling!)

I’m not berating how we cycle here at home, it’s just an interesting reflection on the use of the bicycle – I guess I’m more akin to the Copenhagen cycling as it’s simple, cheaper, a lifestyle and healthy xox