The word ‘marathon’ is a very interesting word as it provokes a reaction, just the same as the word ‘death’ provokes a reaction!

Initially the two words for me evoked the similar emotions of… ‘I can’t do it…I don’t ever want to do it… ‘Ok I’m doing it!!’

With the marathon to do it I had a choice (well maybe I’ll comment on that later), with Gary’s death there was no choice… indeed none of us have a choice with death, but we have a choice in how we handle our marathon of ‘moving moments’ after death… do we stay stuck, unmoving frozen in fear and grief (and there are plenty of those moments), or do we move our feet, our heads and our hearts forward slowly and gradually…

I am apprehensive about the run, I’m fitter than I’ve ever been (my poor 47 year old body does not know what’s hit it this year with the running, rowing and lack of stress from changing jobs).  Indeed the wholistic approach to healing me with rest, exercise and mindfulness has been wonderful!

My apprehension reminds me of how I felt approaching Gary’s death and the reality of life without him, losing him and surviving in a new world of being a mourning single parent to three grieving Cups… but I did it, I’m doing it and will do it, and that’s been my ‘marathon mantra’ in training!

My brother said to me the other day, ‘Tracey anyone can do a marathon, it’s only the time that causes the fear’, I’m not setting a goal time to finish, I just want to finish… the same goes for my healing with grief I’m going at my own pace… no-one can walk or run in anyone’s shoes of mourning, so the ‘moments of movements’ are personal… they may be tiny, big, backwards or forwards… but they are movements…

I am proud of where my Dishwashing family are in the marathon of mourning. We have cried, shouted, laughed and moved sometimes individually on our own but collectively as one… we have been supported by the love of family and friends, exercise of body and mind and the memory of Gary, his words and actions…

With my marathon training I have had to take cognisance of my health as a whole, in relation to sleep, eating and training… and I didn’t realise the profound positives it has had on my personal healing! In the usual mad cap of my Dishwashing style, I’ve done the training alone, in silence and with no gadgets… I’ve taken advice, read articles and managed to fit training in between the madness of being Mum, PA and taxi driver to the Cups!!

During my training the climate has been foul, I’ve got lost in Liverpool and I’ve pushed my mind and body… however I’ve loved the training and I’m proud of what I’ve achieved… indeed the training and discipline of the marathon prep has focused me…

Around this time five years ago Dishwasher Dad was training for the Dublin marathon… I thought he was insane… this Sunday I’m taking part in the Manchester marathon (with the hope of completing the Dublin marathon in October… for Gary). He had completed his 20 miles for training then a few weeks later was diagnosed with Grade 4 cancer…

As we approach Gary’s three years of being away from us physically there is little I can do for him now… so I know I’m completing these marathons for him… and in the moments of pain I hear his soft gentle words of encouragement, ‘you can do this Tracey’, and I recall how he kept going in mind when his body was ravaged by cancer,  and I take strength to keep moving my moments forward in the marathon…