‘I can’t’ two words which I was told from a young age were not part of my vocabulary!!! ‘There is no such thing as ‘I can’t’….. it was something that resonated  with me for many years, perhaps even until tonight when I was having a lovely conversation with two rowing mums (yep I have a new hobby – myself and around 30 local ladies have commenced rowing on the lovely Lough Erne… more about that in future posts)… back to ‘I can’t’ – as we were chatting about life and the art of Mindfulness I found myself voicing the words..’I feel sometimes we feel it is a failure to say ‘I can’t’, but there is nothing wrong with admitting ‘I can’t’. Indeed sometimes we just can’t…and we are being mindful to ourselves when we acknowledge it..’

I don’t know where the words came from but after a wonderful hour rowing on the Lough and mindfully trying to master the art of the blade and the movement of my body – legs, stroke and arms I felt calmer and more content and as I drove home I thought about my conversation and the words…’I can’t’.. there is nothing negative (although society makes us feel otherwise) in admitting ‘I can’t’.. indeed sometime we continue when we can’t because we feel ashamed, useless and unable because ‘we can’t’.. but I have realised this year as I lived for a second year without my ‘dishwasher man’ in my life physically that the words ‘I can’t’ had to be recognised and realised…the second year of grief is much much worse than the first.. as a widow and mum to three very energetic, lively and crazy kids while holding down a job in lecturing and trying to navigate lifts, childcare, shopping, cooking, running, creativity, bill paying and grief the words ‘I can’t’ started to resonate, first as a simple whisper, then a louder voice, then a shouting through every vein in my being, so much so that my body started to go into panic attacks, I wanted to hide, my headaches got worse, my skin broke out and I seemed to age.. my love of creativity, running and socialising started to fade as the mantra of ‘I can’t’ raged on and still I didn’t listen… sometimes it can be internal or external events that stop us to LISTEN and ACT!!

I will not divulge my ‘eureka’ moment but in realising the ‘I can’t’ I recognised my soul, my emotions, my mind, my energy, my relationships and me were deteriorating  – what did I do?

I re-engaged with myself again, I stepped off the whirlwind of existence –

I walked, I hiked, I connected again with myself in silence, then with friends, and then with others…

I recognised that I was and had been doing everything, but the ‘I can’t’ was revealed in the fact that everything was being done but nothing was being accomplished – it was a ‘half-hearted’, ‘half energetic’ and a ‘half of me existence’ – decisions and actions were made and taken –

I realised tonight that as the ‘dishwasher man’ used to say to me when I said ‘I can’t’ (in the midst of the cancer cycle) –

‘Tracey we have no control over what happens to us, but we do have control on how we deal with it..’

Therefore in admitting ‘I can’t’ in my present situation and taking action to make changes, I have realised tonight that I took the control, and in admitting it I have taken back the power of control!

Now just imagine what we can do with the words – ‘I can!’ (This site was set up nearly a year ago – I thought – ‘I can’t’ do it – a lot of you are at me to write – let’s see if I can?? ) Share and like at your leisure –  lots of love Tracey