Do you ever have one of those days as a parent where you feel ‘I can’t do this…!’ As I got into the car to go to panto rehearsal…the panic set in…I had just left the Cups after a rant off ., ‘no -one listens to me.. no – one does what I ask .. no – one speaks to me (unless they want a phone, a credit card or a lift!!) … parenting would be so much easier without the fight with technology (being my permanent nemesis!!)

What spurned this altercation in the usual calm of a Thursday evening in the Dishwashing family home?? Well a few things, clothes sitting in the bedroom in a basket from Sunday still not put away .. the dog not walked (although it was part of a bargain for a new phone on Monday) .. then the dog had decided to pee everywhere in the kitchen (because he hadn’t been walked) and the two dinners were still sitting two hours after returning home .. (the usual home cooked dinners which appear (by magic) every night and often end up in a recycling bin!!) .. MY RANT … ‘I’m not a slave .. no more washing is being done until clothes are put away .. it would be lovely if you asked ‘how I was?’

I get into the car … put on my music so I can blast the tunes very loud – well Stereophonics very very loud .. then on continual repeat plays Ed Sheerans – ‘Photograph’.. (I didn’t put it on..)

Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes

But it’s the only thing that I know

When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes

It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

.. on the Friday before Gary died on the Tuesday as he lay in hospital I whispered ..’I know you’re not a hippy like me .. but promise me you’ll send me some signs .. that you’re still with us .. me and the Cups ..’

Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul

And it’s the only thing that I know, know

I swear it will get easier,

Remember that with every piece of you

Hm, and it’s the only thing we take with us when we die

I cried .. well the tears flowed .. it is tough parenting .. it is tough single parenting .. it is tough widowhood – but we are not alone .. I wiped the eyes .. took a few deep breaths .. lifted the script – hit rehearsal and wrote this as I calmed .. I was with my panto family I felt ‘the calm’ – again when Gary was sick I recall him saying you’ll continue to do panto Tracey as I protested I couldn’t – he said you are going to do it .. you will need it and your panto family in your life –

That is what I’m learning in this new cycle of family life .. the familiar is what comforts my journey – the yearly cycle of school, panto, holidays, Benone .. coupled with the new pursuits of hiking .. rowing and now marathon training ..

As parents it is so important we fill our lives with ‘our tribe’ because our wee tribes of Cups do and should go off with their own wee tribes!!

We the Chiefs need to be dancing and acting our way through our rituals of life .. the clothes not being put away aren’t bothering me so much now .. well until the next rant occurs !!!