The ❤️ – when we talk about it we have an emotion attached because we are feeling! 

Our hearts can be filled, loved, broken.. we can have a big heart, a shattered heart or our heart can be over flowing….

There are very few of us who do not have hairline cracks in our heart, some of us have fractured hearts which need nurturing and mending…some of us have hearts which at the moment are numb..devoid of feeling because we are so broken… some of us have hearts bursting with pride, with love with fulfilment!

What we all have in common is that are hearts are still beating…the beat might be frantic, slower, louder or quieter – but your heart is still beating.

Whether you heart is beating to a happier, sadder or normal tune it’s still – beat, beat, beating!

With every beat there is a breath, with every breath you live another moment to love… love yourself and others…

There is a very finite, final line between death and life, when I held Gary in my arms for his final heart beats….it was one of the most intense, comforting and real moments of my life.

It may seem at times that you can’t breathe you’re gasping for air, you’re panic stricken and you just can’t go on – but if you have a beat in your heart…you can… I’ve been there when there was frantic panic, saddened fears, blinding heart break and a crack so deep and so raw in my heart it felt that nothing could heal or even soothe it..

However I have learnt that although a broken heart can never be fully healed – a broken heart can be massaged back to a happy beat again…a broken heart can be lifted, a broken heart can feel lighter…

The rhythm can return to the heart, it will be perhaps a different tune but the orchestra of family, friends and the touch of love will allow all of us to dance again in life! 

“Action is eloquence.”

William Shakespeare —Volumnia in Coriolanus

In my last post I pondered on the ‘wonderfulness of women’ – but I am in awe of the magnificence of men! Like the women in my life I’ve been blessed and surrounded by men who have been nurturing, strong, kind and supportive!

Anyone who knows me from yonder years – those especially close to me know I only ever wanted to travel – marriage and kids were not in the life plan!

I returned home one summer the summer of 1995 from America with plans to travel the world – I decided to spend a year at home to save the pennies! A few weeks in I met Dishwasher man – I knew as soon as I met him we would be together! What was it that drew me to him? It was his kindness, gentleness and depth of character (his looks were the extra bonus – sorry to be a tad fickle)!

Fast forward Dishwasher Dads illness of cancer – I knew he was going to die – I knew my Cup George as well as the girls would need role models of maleness!

I’m fortunate within the family and among my friends because the males have really ‘stepped up’ – I did put strategies in place before Gary died so that outings and connections were formed and therefore they were not alien encounters after Gary died (it was hard to set these up when Gary was still with us but proved invaluable after he was gone!)

As much as I am, I realise my wee male Cup needs the tumbles, the roughness, the boy talk, that testosterone, nerf guns, farming, quads and motor bikes – his male role models are family, friends, strangers, coaches and other dads – you have been there in moments in our home, your home, the caravan, holidays, rugby, football, school, panto….

Thankyou –  because you males have proved as the Bard said, “Action is eloquence.”

I went to get my hair cut tonight and the Cup who is George went for a motorbike ride and then started to design his new go-cart!!

Just to let you know – after meeting Dishwashing man in the summer of 1995 we courted for year and then he supported me to travel the world for eight months on my own – he told me, ‘that’s what I love about you Tracey – your sense of adventure, and spirit!’ – isn’t that what we all want – a Prince Charming who supports us to travel the world and nurture our souls !!

 

‘My story starts at sea, a perilous voyage to an unknown land. A shipwreck. The wild waters roar and heave. The brave vessel is dashed all to pieces. And all the helpless souls within her drowned. All save one. A lady. Whose soul is greater than the ocean, and her spirit stronger than the sea’s embrace. Not for her a watery end, but a new life beginning on a stranger shore. It will be a love story. For she will be my heroine for all time. And her name will be Viola.’

William Shakespeare 

I was in a Quad tonight rowing on Lough Erne – it was the first time – two blades, co-ordination and more chance of being unbalanced and befriending the Lough!! Unlike the Bards quote the water was calm, thankfully no shipwreck but there were heroines!!

I want to let you know I love the strength, the softness, the power, the love, the empathy, the solidarity and wonderfulness of the women in my life!

I have always been surrounded by strong, loving nurturing women and I married into a family where a wonderful petite women revealed to me the power of gentleness, graciousness and forgiveness (Gary’s mum) – (I always teased him that I was petite/dark/strong like his mum) and I used to say to him when we bantered and bickered – if you wanted a ‘wishy washy woman’ you shouldn’t have married me – you married your mum! (He never disagreed)!

I had such love and respect for his mum and was delighted at the love they shared for each other! 

I remember when Gary was going for his brain tumour op and his mum was with us, I walked out of the cubicle and she helped him into his gown and when she came out she said ‘Tracey you should have been doing that’ – I replied ‘no – you are his mum, if it was me I’d want my mum, if it was my George I’d want to do it!’ 

I’ve been blessed with my own wonderful mum and extra blessed with having known a wonderful ‘mum-in-law’ – (who died the year before Dishwashing dad of cancer).

Tonight in the quad the wonderful women with me supported, laughed, forgave, were concerned, happy, delighted, excited and thrilled!! The row was uplifting, affirming and joyful! (Supported wonderfully by our young coaches).

Let’s always remember to be kind, gentle and loving to ourselves and others – in doing so we will realise that we will be and can be that woman as Shakespeare tells us, ‘Whose soul is greater than the ocean, and her spirit stronger than the sea’s embrace. Not for her a watery end, but a new life beginning on a stranger shore.’ 

For Judy – you were looking forward to a blog – enjoy – thankyou Dishwashing mum-in-law for your wonderful soul and son xox

Conversations can be real or imaginary, they can nurture or they can destroy, they can hinder or they can support, they can tear apart your soul or light up your heart!!

I love to converse, I love to connect and chat. To be connected in our conversations with each other we have to really listen to each other – to have conversations with ourselves we have to really listen to our heart and inner voice!!

Throughout my journey over the past couple of years there have been many, many conversations within our Dishwashing family, with friends, with my creative buddies and my students – and with myself!

In all of these exchanges I’ve laughed, cried, been happy, been angry, been sad and hopeful x

My conversations with myself often occurred on my solo runs in Necarne or on the beach of Benone – when I needed to clarify, emote or cry I ran and I still do ! For me the outdoor trails of the Country Park or Beach are my therapy room!! During these conversations I replay, I dictate, I imagine and I acknowledge my reality – I always stop on a run (usually near water) and meditate (mindfulness it’s called now). 

My conversations with others have been intrumental in my grieving and healing journey! With the ‘Cups’ Gary and I were open and honest and it has proved to be a medicinal medication of natural healing and connection in our family – only once did I hold back from the truth with the Cups and I was ‘found out!’.

At the beginning of the summer (before Gary died in the April) we got the news that the cancer had spread to his bones – we were in Benone and the sun was shinning and I said, ‘please let’s not tell the Cups just yet!’ 

Forward two weeks, we are in Lego Land – the sun is shinning and Gary tries to take one of our ‘family selfies’ – he always did! But he couldn’t the Cancer had cracked his bones in his arms – I got a look from one of the Cups! I felt the guilt – I was ‘caught out’ – as we meandered around Lego Land they came up to me and said – ‘You never told me’, I replied, ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t I only just found out!’ They replied, ‘I’m scared – daddy is going to die’ – I replied, ‘he will, but we are all going to die, I know you feel sad and scared, those are very real feelings, but look at your daddy, is he being sad or unhappy? You have a choice here, you can be unhappy and waste moments of connection with your daddy or enjoy your moments with him to make memories – it’s your choice’, (it was a hard conversation!) 

I recall then taking a moment of conversing with myself – as the sun shone, as the Cups played I looked at Dishwasher Man and felt an undying respect, pride and aweness at his ability to be so alive while facing death! (I was also mindful of the unfairness of the reality – here I was with my beautiful family enjoying Lego Land and cancer was invading – I acknowledged my anger!)

Tonight I went out to meet a friend home from Oz – our connection is growing up in Lisbellaw village, our conversations via FB and tonight are centred on husbands who have faced illness – 

I use the medium of FB often to privately connect with others – little did I know it’s power – 

Tonight I also met a lot of my friends and students who I have taught – our connected conversations were beautiful! Thank you for your kind words and openness!

In life please continue to take the silence to listen, the time to communicate and the strength to accept support – in doing so we are listening and positively loving ourselves and others xox

Just to let you know – Lego Land was voted the ‘Best Dishwashing’ Family Holiday in our final family conversation xox

‘So what has been the most enjoyable part of your holiday?’, I ask the Cups. With lots of giggles and laughter they reply, ‘when you tried to walk the waves when getting of the Boat-  did you not know you would sink?’. 

Yes, I tried to ‘walk the waves of the Spanish water’, and I’ll let you know I failed, but I did manage to gracefully keep my glasses on my head, and swim to the surface! It reminded me of when I first started to negotiate this single parenting as a widow!

With Gary my Dishwashing hubbie we had discussed endlessly his death and family life for me and the Cups after his death but the reality didn’t sink in until I had to tread the waves of it with grief in tow!! 

I took a couple of months off work from the Nov-Jan before Gary died in the April to have discussions, conversations and feel his presence and insight with regard to my fears, utter heartache and uncertainty! We chatted, we held each other, we cried (well mostly me), even as he faced death he fulfilled his marital promise ’till death do us part’ and really he still is…

What I learnt about our journey with cancer is the importance of communication – however that is – for me it was talking – for Gary it was his usually stoic, strong silence of loving. When someone has an illness they won’t suddenly start talking if they are not that way inclined – he told me in his few words, his beautiful hugs and kindness of love everything I needed then and even now! 

As I stepped into the unknown waters of ‘widowhood’ like the Spanish sea yesterday I did initially sink, panic and gulp for breath! But I used my intuition, my strength and learned behaviours to swim and fight against the tides and waves of grief, fear and uncertainty!

What has helped the most has been the laughter, the joy and tears of my ‘Cups’ – many moments occurred after Gary’s death where tears overwhelmed one of us and in those precious moments we naturally navigated towards each other for ‘Kernaghan Family Hugs’ – it was a spontaneous mutual connection founded and nurtured in our Dishwashing Family from our beginning! 

So when I sank the other day despite their absolute joy and delight at my descent each of the Cups instantly came to my rescue to push, pull and coax me back onto the hamburger again!! 

Please remember all our words, actions and love empower our future generations positively forward xox

‘Who is your favourite child?’, the Cup George asks? I reply a very diplomatic answer citing each Cups positives! I was feeling very pleased with my answer. ‘Who is your favourite parent?’, I ask the Cup (George), without hesitation he replies, ‘daddy, no offence’.

How did I feel about this reply?

Perfectly and utterly happy, even over two years later his daddy is still ‘number one’ and that’s how it should be for a wee man and daddy relationship! 

How is this possible after two and a half years since Dishwasher dads death?

The simple reality is Gary is very much alive in our family – with the illness of cancer we did have time to prepare the Cups – we were honest in our discussions with them about cancer and death – Gary had his last conversations with each Cup – we had our last family conversation and selfie (only for Dishwashing family eyes) and resides in each memory box now!

The night Gary died we all spent the night together in our room – as we lay in the room with Gary with us I asked the Cups to share memories of daddy !! 

What occurred was an amazing cathartic experience then and for future moments – in their memories they reminded me of daddy before cancer… in the days ahead as their friends came to visit we had ‘Gary time’, in those moments the Cups and their friends chatted openly, easily and lovingly about Dishwasher dad 💕

Where that inspiration came from that night I don’t know – but I’m forever thankful as it gave an avenue for heartfelt dialogue – so much so that my son still thinks his dad is best!

That fills my heart with resounding love ♥️ 

In my life to date I know I’ve been blessed with love and being loved – from the family I was born into, the friends that have surrounded me and with Dishwasher man and my Cups, (Alex, Nikki and George). 

The morning after Gary died I recall waking up, reality consuming me, and then coming down into my kitchen where my mum (like an angel) was already present. As I plopped myself down I said to her, ‘I don’t feel lonely, but I feel very alone!’. I’d like to say this feeling subsides as a widow but it doesn’t, (maybe it’s a reality for all individuals living with loss – I can  only resonate with my reality). 

As I’ve taken the tentative steps forward, backwards and sidewards in my journey of widowhood, the reality has been that in moments of pure delight holidaying (SE Asia, Spain, Europe) moments of family connections at parties, our caravan in Benone, Christmas or birthdays (don’t mention anniversaries), in moments of pure pride, exam results, rowing races, school achievements, in moments of the year, Friday afternoons, men’s clothing stores, holidays in general, panto shows, in moments of decision making, discos, tantrums and personal decisions about work and the kids – ‘I flounder’, but I’m not lonely! I know I’ve a network (the African village) surrounding me! (Thank you to you all).

I’ve never felt lonely in my life ever (I’m lucky – I’ve always enjoyed my own company and silence), this has undoubtedly been a ‘saving grace’ – but it’s also a nemesis – ( a good friend told me recently I was always a bit prickly and I’m far to independent to need any-one!).

Hence as I reflect and pursue my journey as a widow I have realised I do detest this inflicted aloneness – (it wasn’t our choice), I want to share the sunsets, the arguements, the Dishwashing duties with himself, but as I can’t I’ve resolved to be accepting of my aloneness – in doing so I must not wallow in self-pity, feelings of despair or anger – to do so would mean a life less lived!

I have to accept the reality, my Cups have been forced to accept the reality of a life without their dad physically with them (but I’ve told them they never have to say goodbye to dad like other kids as he’s always with them on their life journey). Life is precious, kids, our dear ‘Cups’ are precious – we are their guardians, their mentors their building block for the future – even if the design of the plan changes as their architect we have the opportunity to place a new ‘blue print’ in front of them – (whether they follow it is up to them!).

My blue-print for parenting has been redesigned but because Dishwasher man and myself had a fairly rebust connection in love and communication I’ve been able to more or less draw the plans for family life with his vision intact! 

I guess what I’m trying to say is – ‘be comfortable with being alone’ – ‘love and connect fully’, as The Prophet Kahil Gibran tells us about love – ‘be separate in your togetherness..’ xox

As a few of you know I started rowing in July along with 30 odd mums – on our first night I was so anxious, so nervous and petrified 😫. I was embarking on ‘something new’ – I was excited and intrigued – rowing was a complete blank canvas – (my daughter started it in Sept and loves it) – so hence I found myself on Portora Wharf – a novice – but with guidance, laughter  and my fellow comrades it has turned out to be fulfilling, affirming and enjoyable – tonight a couple of weeks later since starting it was exhilarating because as we all rowed the flow of collective individuals united to move together, (even though we got drenched at one point), we listened to our coach, listened to ourselves and moved united!

This evening I could still feel the nervousness of trying to remember all the moves, perfect my stroke and not let the boat down !

I realised that my fears are my own nuances – the coaching is superb, my fellow females are amazing – the insecurities arise in me –

WHY ? I asked myself ? The day after ‘Dishwasher dad died’ I said to the ‘Cups’ 😔, ‘this is quite scary – I’ve been left in charge’, (I hadn’t signed up for a solo tour of duty in parenting)! It was to be a dual partnership with Gary naivigating and me creating moments of craziness!

Alex the Cup said to me ‘are you up to the job mum?’, I replied ‘we’ve no choice daddy has left the hippy in charge!’ (Even as I replied the butterflies fluttered in my tummy and panic swirled around and throughout my being)!

The hippy Dishwashing mum over two years later has and is navigating the Dishwashing family life – (even if it is in her mad crazy way!). Just like I’m navigating the rowing, I keep going, I keep listening, I keep trying and somehow it’s working (like rowing it sometimes flows beautiful, sometimes the currents are choppy, other times I just stop, pause for a rest and regather my strength to continue when I’m tired or overwhelmed, and when I don’t know or can’t,  I just ask for help!)

Rowing mums – I’m just sorry I ‘crabbed’ when we were in full flow tonight! The most important thing we are told is to keep following the bum in front as it allows for a collective togetherness of moving as one – as a parent I’m following the Cups, engaging the support of family and friends and listening to my own movements – (just like rowing – following the fabulous young coaches and the amazing rowing ladies!).

When I row I’m nervous, I’m focused, I’m scared, I’m exilirated and I can’t quite believe I’ve done it – that’s how I feel about being a widow and mum!

Whether it’s the collective movement of parenting with the Cups at my side, or rowing in unisome with the mums the journey is enjoyable and excites my soul (when we get it right the feeling is europhric and feels so natural), and even when I mess up, I just look ahead and pick up the ‘stroke’ and I’m off again! (whether with the Cups at home or in the boat on Lough Erne).

Hence like rowing I’m managing to navigate the course of the Dishwashing family and my ‘stroke’ is not to bad and (quite often I hear the whisper of Dishwasher man giving me his gentle instruction, guidance and support) this gives me strength xox

‘Grief’ – for me it is loss – losing and no longer having that feeling of comfortable familiarity  that provides me with love, security and familiarity  – it involves change (whether planned, expected or unexpected) – it means adjustment, scariness and fear! In my life to date (as a middle aged mum) I have experienced small grief losses – my body, my teens, my fresh face, school days and being able to party and get up energised and bushy tailed the next day – all minor losses which I managed easily and fairly happily as there was so much going on in the chapters of my life.

However around this time six years ago the chapter stopped unexpectedly, the narrative suddenly, unexpectedly and without discourse just diverted from the script.. the dishwasher man, my husband, my lover, my best friend, my sounding board, my better half, my ‘Cups’ daddy got sick..(first with a non-maligant brain tumour then followed a couple of years with grade four cancer of the kidney). I didn’t subscribe to the book of cancer in my dishwasher book, we were to live a long and happy life together.

I couldn’t wait to see him mature with grey hair (he was always my Sean Connery), I used to envision us walking up the streets of the Port with our three beautiful ‘Cups’ glorious in the midst of youth and freedom…while we wandered behind proud of our creations and bloody hard work! But CANCER with its wickedness of wand said..’NO’ and decreed a rewriting of the story of our dishwashing life….and grief has now replaced the space of Gary…it was a very unwelcome, hated and frightening friendship (it still is) but we have become familiar with each other…well kind off!!

The friendship of grief does not terminate, it is by your side, in your soul, in your conversation, in your thoughts, in your feared future, in your past moments, it shapes your being, it takes from you love, shared hopes, the hopes you had for your kids future of family life, it has no bounds in its capacity to impede, destroy and completely wreck everything familiar to you – IF YOU LET IT…. I call it a friendship because for me I have to or we would be enemies and not friends…

The grief of living with cancer and its destruction followed by death has meant grief and I have come to an agreement to recognise we are both present. I hate what grief has done to my projected future with Dishwasher man, I am so angry that my ‘Cups’ have no daddy physically on their life journey (as Alex said recently.. I hate having to talk about daddy in the past), I replied.. ‘I know’… but grief has now become my companion on this journey of life..

We have become a rather unlikely ‘two-some’. Every so often it rears it head and lets me know who has had the power to change my life…but mostly it quietly resides in my home, my  being, my friendships and most importantly my family….. like all friendships we have negotiated a way of being together…sometimes I manage the anger, the tears and tantrums of my friend grief…other times I don’t…

It may seem strange to call grief my friend but for me I have to because in the darkest of connections with each other grief has taught me I am strong!

I can handle (mostly) our relationship because I have to or I will loose the life I have been given and as I said to my ‘Cups’ the day after their dishwasher daddy died…

‘We have to live the life daddy fought so hard to have, we have to live it fully for him…’

Grief has taken a lot of me but it won’t impede on the life and breath my ‘Cups’ and I all still have xox

‘I can’t’ two words which I was told from a young age were not part of my vocabulary!!! ‘There is no such thing as ‘I can’t’….. it was something that resonated  with me for many years, perhaps even until tonight when I was having a lovely conversation with two rowing mums (yep I have a new hobby – myself and around 30 local ladies have commenced rowing on the lovely Lough Erne… more about that in future posts)… back to ‘I can’t’ – as we were chatting about life and the art of Mindfulness I found myself voicing the words..’I feel sometimes we feel it is a failure to say ‘I can’t’, but there is nothing wrong with admitting ‘I can’t’. Indeed sometimes we just can’t…and we are being mindful to ourselves when we acknowledge it..’

I don’t know where the words came from but after a wonderful hour rowing on the Lough and mindfully trying to master the art of the blade and the movement of my body – legs, stroke and arms I felt calmer and more content and as I drove home I thought about my conversation and the words…’I can’t’.. there is nothing negative (although society makes us feel otherwise) in admitting ‘I can’t’.. indeed sometime we continue when we can’t because we feel ashamed, useless and unable because ‘we can’t’.. but I have realised this year as I lived for a second year without my ‘dishwasher man’ in my life physically that the words ‘I can’t’ had to be recognised and realised…the second year of grief is much much worse than the first.. as a widow and mum to three very energetic, lively and crazy kids while holding down a job in lecturing and trying to navigate lifts, childcare, shopping, cooking, running, creativity, bill paying and grief the words ‘I can’t’ started to resonate, first as a simple whisper, then a louder voice, then a shouting through every vein in my being, so much so that my body started to go into panic attacks, I wanted to hide, my headaches got worse, my skin broke out and I seemed to age.. my love of creativity, running and socialising started to fade as the mantra of ‘I can’t’ raged on and still I didn’t listen… sometimes it can be internal or external events that stop us to LISTEN and ACT!!

I will not divulge my ‘eureka’ moment but in realising the ‘I can’t’ I recognised my soul, my emotions, my mind, my energy, my relationships and me were deteriorating  – what did I do?

I re-engaged with myself again, I stepped off the whirlwind of existence –

I walked, I hiked, I connected again with myself in silence, then with friends, and then with others…

I recognised that I was and had been doing everything, but the ‘I can’t’ was revealed in the fact that everything was being done but nothing was being accomplished – it was a ‘half-hearted’, ‘half energetic’ and a ‘half of me existence’ – decisions and actions were made and taken –

I realised tonight that as the ‘dishwasher man’ used to say to me when I said ‘I can’t’ (in the midst of the cancer cycle) –

‘Tracey we have no control over what happens to us, but we do have control on how we deal with it..’

Therefore in admitting ‘I can’t’ in my present situation and taking action to make changes, I have realised tonight that I took the control, and in admitting it I have taken back the power of control!

Now just imagine what we can do with the words – ‘I can!’ (This site was set up nearly a year ago – I thought – ‘I can’t’ do it – a lot of you are at me to write – let’s see if I can?? ) Share and like at your leisure –  lots of love Tracey